Beautiful peace!

A few days ago I had two intense days of struggling, bawling and really having a hard time processing what happened with Annabelle. The what if's are AWFUL and this time I was dealing with how in the morning of the day I delivered Annabelle, the resident doc came in to check me and said I was a full 10 cm. So when the specialist came in after the resident, he was suppose to check me to, to double check but he said since the resident said I was 10 cm he didnt want to bother me anymore down there and that they would get me in the delivery room and get me comfortable with some IV meds. Later on once my doc came and checked me, he found out I was only 3 cm and that the resident that morning must have felt my bag coming out and thought I was a full 10 cm when I wasn't and so that is what i was struggling with VERY HARD. I kept thinking, what if the resident wouldn't have been wrong, what if the specialist would have done his job right and double checked me...what if...I prayed God would help me because I needed it so bad, I really needed His peace and at first I felt nothing. I wrote on the "Grieving with Hope" group I started on facebook to the ladies there because I knew they would understand and would pray.

During the next day I received some messages from people that really helped me and a friend who didn't even realize God was using her blog post, helped me also. God showed up big time to me that night and gave me that peace I was needing so badly, His perfect peace came over me and He revealed to me exactly what I needed to know and reminded me of the answer to ALL my "what if's...here it is...


"I remember the night before I delivered Annabelle and we were in the hospital, we prayed that whatever situation would play out in the morning (morning would tell us if we had to deliver Annabelle or not) that we just wanted the situation to be what would glorify Him most. To this day, I will tell you I have suffered more than with any other thing i’ve gone through since losing Annabelle BUT I cling to the fact that God chose what gave Him most glory and that was bringing Annabelle home. So I hurt and ache and miss her and wonder all the things I will miss in her life because she is no longer here BUT I also pray and hope for to see how God uses her short little life for His glory and to one day realize all that was done for His glory because of her and I will get to see her again because of the beautiful hope I have in Him!"

He gave me the peace knowing that ultimately He did what gave Him the most glory through Annabelle's life and death and that no matter what the doctors did right or wrong, NOTHING was out of His hands and He could have swept in and changed anything He wanted to BUT He chose on that day, in that moment to receive Annabelle into glory, into eternity. So I am so thankful I have a God that even when people, things or bodies fail down here...HE is in control, He already knows the outcome and He will do what brings Him the most glory. This gave me such a peace that night, that I will not be able to even begin to describe to you. I now rest with these "what if's" and I thank God so much for that. I finally was able to schedule my 4-6 week post partum week which is now 6 months later because of the peace I finally feel about the "what if's" and also scheduled a consult with the top ranked doc in the U.S. for doing TAC cerclages. I am so thankful for the peace that passes all understanding!

Tonight as I was reading through our blog book and got to the part about Annabelle, for the first time possibly since losing her, I was able to rejoice and see all good and not cry tears of sadness but all tears of joy tonight thinking about all the gifts we had in Annabelle and all God did just in Jim and I through Annabelle. Because of Annabelle, Jim and I will always be so much more grateful for all we have than we would have before her, we will cherish our times with Isaac and our future children and our marriage more in years to come because of her. She taught us SO much in her short little life and we were so blessed and privilege and honored to be chosen by God to be her parents and feel her move and hear her heart beating and watch her move on the ultrasound. What a blessing she was to us, our beautiful baby girl. We love you so much Annabelle!