All my thoughts today...

I have many thoughts running through my head today, many emotions too! Today, it has been 17 months and 15 days since we delivered, held and said goodbye to our beautiful baby girl Annabelle. We lost her when I was 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant with her. She measured 21 weeks at 13.3 oz and 10.2 in long.

TODAY I am 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant with Micaiah. I knew this day was coming, I knew this day would be full of mixed emotions but I also knew one more thing...He would be with us and she is with Him! Last night at church, we went around and shared if we wanted to, things that we were thankful for. It touched my heart because I know Jim is not much for speaking in front of people but he grabbed the mic and shared how he was thankful for our children and he went on to say that not just for Isaac but for our children we have lost and are in heaven. How God used our losses, our babies and our journey to introduce us to so many people and things and have used us to help people and he spoke about all the good that God has brought through our children and our losses. It blessed my heart. I agree with him so much and as I sit here crying, with all of the emotions of knowing this was the gestation day we lost our little girl, I don't question any of it as I trust my Sovereign Creator. I know there are SO many things He has done and will do through our babies and our story for His kingdom and glory that I might not see this side of eternity but just the things I HAVE seen alone, make me so thankful for this journey, even though it's been the hardest one we've walked. I can't describe to you the place we are in today, with our relationship, marriage, family, our relationship with God and more that we WOULD NOT be in if we would have not gone through these losses.

You see, when we look at our lives, we want to be used by God. We want to make a big difference in the world. We want to help. We want to be changed. We want to grow. We want God to make us into the person He has created us to be....BUT we want Him to do it ALL without any change out of our comfort zones or any hurt or pain to us or our family.  We sadly are SO STUCK in seeing things in the temporary sense, not an eternal sense. (2 Cor 4:16-18) If we only could understand or see for a second the ETERNAL ... everlasting things God is doing through our lives...YES even the hardest times of our lives when we can barely breathe ... I think we would more boldly ask for God to do all those things I mentioned above, even while knowing it might not be pretty, it might take some molding, some breaking, some chiseling...but in the end...you will shine for Him and He will use you and your story for His glory!

Of course our journey of losing Annabelle was not something we asked for, it was not something we would have ever wished upon the worse person we could think of and it was definitely not something we thought we could actually handle, walk through and survive...but one thing we did and I know it's what got us through was cling to His Sovereignty. When I was mad that the rest of the world got to move on with their lives and babies were born and got to go home with their families, when we left the hospital with our dead daughter in our arms and drove her to the funeral home, & when we buried her...HE WAS THE SAME GOD HE WAS DURING THOSE HARDEST TIMES OF OUR LIVES THAT HE WAS THE DAY BEFORE WE WALKED INTO THAT HOSPITAL AND HE IS THE SAME GOD HE IS TODAY WHEN WE FEEL BLESSED WITH NEW LIFE GROWING INSIDE OF ME!


In the beginning of this pregnancy, I worried about all the "unknowns" and well, to be honest, I still am a bit. I was worried I wouldn't even make it to this point that we did with Annabelle but praise God we have! Today we are the same gestation with Micaiah that we were when we lost Annabelle. The whole day's events of labor, delivery and time with her afterwards have all come rushing back into my mind and heart a little more today, BUT I AM THANKFUL...because today I am not in labor, today I have a precious baby boy named Micaiah Edward Starkey growing inside of me. I do not know his story or plans that God has for him BUT GOD DOES! I cried yesterday as I looked at a new ultrasound picture we have of Micaiah's face because it shows his nose so well. The reason why I cried is because from the ultrasound picture at least, he has a beautiful button nose JUST LIKE ANNABELLE, his sister had. I loved looking at her nose when she was born, she definitely got her nose from me and now seeing that Micaiah looks like his nose will be just like his sister's....it was a special moment for me!

From this day on, it's a new journey for us. We have never been this far in a pregnancy from today on. All the things from here on out in the rest of our pregnancy journey will be new. It is very exciting to us. Just this morning I was feeling him move around quite a bit and it thrilled my heart. I cannot wait to see what it feels like to be fully pregnant in the third trimester and to feels the kicks with my hand and to have my boys feel the kicks too! So much to look forward to, so much to be thankful for! Tomorrow on thanksgiving, it will be such a special thanksgiving for us, for passing this HUGE milestone in our journey and reflecting on all the things we have to be thankful for!

Thanks for hearing my heart, it may have come out a bit random or messy, but it's me!

Love, April